This and that.

It has been a while since I last blogged...it's been a little busy around here.  Willow is now 2 months old!  I can't believe it!  Time has been flying by..she is getting so big.  She is now smiling!  She often smiles at big sis!  Presley loves her and is so good with her.  I love them so much.  I don't know if it is the recent loss of my mom or what but I have such a deep appreciation for my girls and to be their mother...I just feel so lucky that God chose me to be their mother.  Speaking of which, the holidays are going to be difficult this year.  We spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas with my mom so i'm definitely sad this year.  I just have to remember to stay upbeat and positive though because I want it to be a good day for my girls.  Bryan is working both holidays this year but it's something that I am used to..I think in our 6 years of marriage, we have maybe got to spend 2 or maybe 3 holidays together but no pity party here..at least he has a job so we should be thankful for that.  Presley has been talking about Gammy Sue a lot lately.  I can't believe she remembers her to be so young.  She is always talking about how Gammy Sue is in Heaven now and we talk about it seems on a daily basis.  I'm just amazed at how smart she is and how much she does remember.  My mom definitely wasn't very healthy for a while before she died but she loved Presley more than anything in this world.  I know Presley knew that she was very much loved by Gammy Sue.  I recently did the Out of the Darkness Walk in honor of my mom.  It was an amazing turnout!  I had one friend drive up from Georgia to do it with me and 4 other friends from Jax that did it and it was truly amazing.  The weather couldn't have been more perfect..it was just all around amazing.
Gosh, I have been so busy I can't even remember what has been going on lately.  We have been busy.. I do know that.   I felt like for a while we were at the doctor everyday.  Between Willow's first few rough weeks and Presley's surgery thrown in the mix..I was feeling crazy.  Presley has recovered well I am happy to report!  Willow seems to be doing better as well (now that I have cut out a lot of foods and starving all the time)haha!  But hey it's worth it!
Christmas is right around the corner, I can't believe it!  I'm so excited to start decorating and do some Christmas shopping!  Yes, I am going to go Black Friday shopping but to just one store..my favorite Kohls!  I've already bought Presley is giant dollhouse that is freaking adorable and I know she is going to LOVE it!  I've bought Willow a couple small things.  I am excited, I can't wait to see Presley's face when she sees her cool gifts!  We're not going all out but the girls are definitely going to have a good Christmas!  We're excited!
I don't want my girls growing up and having the mentality that Christmas is all about gifts and materialistic things because it is definitely not.  I want there to be gifts of course but I want them to understand the true meaning of CHRISTmas which brings me to my next point which may be off topic but whatever.  I have been seeing so many posts lately about church and what have you.  My family does not go to church and I don't believe that going to church makes you a Christian.  In fact, those Christians who judge you for not going to church obviously aren't true Christians in the first place.  I don't have to step foot in those doors every Sunday to be a good person or have a relationship with the man upstairs.  We are teaching Presley the meaning of CHRISTmas and that is what matters.  I don't know if I will be blogging much until then but if not, I hope all my blogger friends and family have a wonderful Thanksgiving and a Very Merry Christmas!

Out of the Darkness Walk 2012.

Lots of updates.

Hello friends!  It's been forever since I blogged..where do I start?!  My sweet Willow is now a month old (I survived) ha!  After a few short weeks of her screaming all day, I have found out the culprit!  No caffeine or dairy for this mama!  I'm soooo tired!  Oh well, it's all for my baby girl and so worth it.  She is doing great...growing like a weed and just as beautiful as ever.  Presley is doing great with her too.  She's a great helper and gets me anything I ask for.  I call Presley my little mama because she is always so eager to help.  Funny story-tonight I was feeding Willow while I had some cookies baking in the oven.  Presley heard the timer go off and said "mama the cookies are done" and she looked over at Bryan and said "daddy you feed Wiwwow now" hahaha..if only he had the goods right?!  I keep telling him that we need to invest in those fake breast that can store breastmilk that men can wear but he says yeah right!  LOL!  Not a chance he is doing that!  Both girls are adjusting well.  I have been doing as good as I can.  I've already done several outings with the girls and they have gone surprisingly well.  I am one lucky mama :-)

In other news, the other day I got a gorgeous blanket in the mail that was handmade by two of my moms old co-workers and a friend.  They made it in honor of my mom (Gammie Sue) and it was gorgeous.  They sent the most beautiful card to go along with it.  It is a gorgeous and huge pastel blanket with different colored pastel squares.  I just love it.

I have been missing my mom a lot lately.  Mainly because she was around in Presley's first few months quite a bit and she's not here to meet Willow.  I'm not going to lie, I've definitely had my share of hard days lately but thank goodness for Presley's sense of humor..she helps me make it through the hard days.  Yesterday, I got a knock on the door and it was a postal inspector.  He came to bring me my moms jacket that was left in her locker at work before she passed away.  It definitely made me cry and thankful I got it.  After all, I got nothing else (none of her possessions) so I was thankful to have gotten her jacket.  I am still so angry about how things have happened but Bryan keeps reminding me that I have to just live my life day by day without holding grudges (much easier said than done) and remember that karma is a bitch and the person who did me and my brother so wrong after her death will get what he deserves.  Anyways, enough of that.

Halloween is right around the corner, in just a few days.  I know Presley is excited!  She is going to be a unicorn this year and a very beautiful one  if I must say so myself.  Little Willow is just going to wear her adorable superhero cape that she got from a birthday party a few days ago (it is absolutely adorable)!  I am excited to get the girls all dressed up and take some pictures ( I know y'all are in shock because I never take pictures)!  It's going to be a fun Halloween.  Bryan has to work both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.  I'm super sad about it but hey such is life.  I thought after getting out of the military I wouldn't have to worry about that ever again but with Bryan's career, that is how it is.  We worked every stinking holiday and last Thanksgiving and Christmas we spend with my mom so i'm praying that these upcoming holidays are going to treat me easy.    Enough blogging for now..this mama is tired.  Hope everyone is doing well!

My sweet Willow.

Well as most of y'all know I was induced on Monday the 24th.  I had hit my 40 week mark and my doctor does not allow anyone to go past 41 weeks if you want him to deliver.  I decided to just go ahead and schedule my induction.  1.  I think Willow was being stubborn like her sister.  2.  Bryan's schedule is crazy so it was all around better that way.  I went in around 7am on Monday morning.  My doctor arrived around 9 to break my water and start the induction.  I immediately started having contractions so I got up and walked around for a while and they started getting bad after about an hour.  I got my epidural around noon.  After that I felt great and Bryan and I just sat in the room and relaxed and waited.  (P was with memaw for a few days).  I was dilating pretty fast which was surprising to me.  I just knew it would be another long day if it was anything like P's induction which lasted almost 20 hours.  Around 4ish Bryan was super hungry so he went down the street to grab a sub.  The nurse came in and I told her I was definitely starting to feel pressure.  She checked me and said sure enough I was dilated to 9 and P's head was right there.  Holy crap, it was fast!  She called my doctor and I called Bryan and told him the great news.  Around 445 everyone came into the room to prep for delivery.  I started pushing around 5:10 or so and she was out at 5:20.  She was 7lbs and 11oz  and 19 inces longer.  She was only a little bigger than P.  She was beyond perfect and wasn't crying at all.  It was the weirdest thing, she was so calm and just let the doctors do their thing.  The doctors stitched me up, cleaned her up, cleaned up the room and everyone was out by 5:50 and I started breastfeeding.  She latched wonderfully and is an awesome eater.  She still hardly cries and is seriously so easy-going.  The nurses were commenting on how calm she was.  The first night in the hospital, she slept almost the entire night.  The next day, the nurse told me I could leave that day if I wanted.  I just had to wait 24 hours from the time she was born and she had to have at least 1 bowel movement.  Well she had about 7 (lol) and breastfeeding was going so good and she was super healthy so we left the next day.  She passed her hearing test, jaundice levels were great, she and I both got a set of shots, and everything about her was perfect.  It was an awesome short but sweet experience.  I really loved the hospital, all of my nurses, and of course my amazing doctor.  I love my little Willow Lynn.  She is an absolute perfect addition to our family.  I love my girls oh so much!  I am one lucky and blessed mama :-)  I would go into more detail but man i'm tired!!  It's time for this mama to go to bed.

Right after she was born and got done breastfeeding :)

Right before we went home as a family of four :-)

1/2 step forward and 5 back.

I feel like I take 1/2 step forward and 5 back lately..  Lately, I am trying to hold my head up for my sweet girl's arrival but it's hard.  I have so much on my mind tonight..I found out some things that really hard for me to wrap my brain around.  True friends have been few and far between lately.  I am trying to focus on my little family, my girls, and Bryan.  I think honestly the only thing getting me through this point is little Willow's arrival.  I am just beyond excited to meet her but at the same time so sad that my mom won't be there to meet her.  I have realized more than ever lately that those two girls and Bryan are my world and without them, I really don't know what I would do.  This may sound ridiculous but only one person has gotten Willow anything...yes, I know she is the second girl but I find it quite sad.  I feel like for all of my life, I have gone above and beyond for many people in my life, both friends and family.  For now, I am going to focus all of my time and attention on MY family.  I've got to let go of everything else..I've got to let go of the hurt, anger, and sadness.  So far, it is getting me nowhere and I know it will continue to lead me nowhere.  Bryan keeps telling me that I just have to start moving forward but it seems so much easier said than done.  As Willow's birth approaches, I get so nervous but so excited at the same time.  I know that little Willow was put into our lives' for a reason.  The past few months have been the darkest months I have ever experienced with my mom's death but knowing that little Willow is growing inside of me and knowing that Presley is depending on me, I know I can't give up.  I have to stay strong because I always want my girls to know that I am there no matter what.  I HAVE to be the best mother I can despite the curve-balls.  On a positive note, I have raised $160 toward my walk and I just increased my goal to $200.  The walk falls on Nov 10 this year which will ironically be 6 months after her death.  I feel the need to do this for her and for those people who silently suffer.  I feel like it is vital to raise awareness for suicide prevention.  People may never think it could affect them but the truth of the matter is, it affects more people than you realize.  Enough blogging for tonight.  Keep your fingers crossed that sweet Willow comes this weekend.

39 weeks!

How far along?  39 weeks and so close!!
Maternity clothes?    Still dresses everyday.  Yay, I will be able to wear my cute jeans again soon (once I get back in shape)!  I'm excited!  
Sleep?  Sleep is few and far between these days.  Between getting up to pee every 15 minutes and feeling like i'm on fire all the time, sleep is uncomfortable.  My indigestion is horrible right now too and when I lay down I usually end up having to throw up.

Best moment this week? Just feeling my baby girl.
Food cravings?  Nothing really.  There is really no room for food.  I feel like I eat, get full, feel sick, have indigestion, and throw it back up.  

Gender?  Still a beautiful little princess :)  I am so anxious to give birth and see just how beautiful she is!

Fetal Movement?  All the time! She's going to be a little gymnast.  

What I am looking forward to?  Meeting my beautiful princess and seeing how her and her sister interact :)

What I miss?  Nothing much.

Words of wisdom?  Treasure every moment. 
39 week belly shot!  Due on Saturday!

A little update.

I haven't blogged in a while..well publicly anyway.  I just don't want to put all my negative thoughts and feelings out there..I am not a negative person (well try not to be anyway) and well I just really don't want to sound sad, mad, and angry so I just keep it to myself.

My pregnancy is going good.  I will be 38 weeks Saturday and I go for my 38 week appt on Friday.  So we shall see if i'm dilated any more or if any progress has been made.  I have been extra tired these past few weeks..my little princess has absolutely worn me out.  The girl doesn't stop...seriously.  I am so excited to see/meet Willow for the first time.  I am a little bittersweet.  So happy that my new precious little girl will be here but yet so sad because my mom won't be here to meet her.  On a happy note, Bryan's mom has been in town for the past few months now and will be there to watch P during the birth.  She is truly a God-sent.  She's been amazing these past few months and is always there to listen to me cry, vent, or whatever i'm feeling.  I'm forever thankful that she has flown in to be here for the important events.  Presley sure does love her memaw as well.  All I ever hear is "I want to see memaw mama" or "I want to fly in a plane with Memaw", or "I want to go to beach and see memaw"!  She LOVES her memaw!!  She even calls memaw about 2 to 3 times a day and they actually hold a conversation.  Memaw always knows exactly what P is saying!  Anyway, I went off on a tangent but I am so excited to meet my new princess and so thankful for my amazing hubby, beautiful daughter, and wonderful mother in law to be right by my side to share this beautiful and wonderful experience with me.

I have been regularly attending my SOS support group and man is it amazing.  I love it and as a matter of fact am going again tomorrow night.  I am even doing a community walk here in Jacksonville on November 10 in order to raise awareness of suicide prevention.  If you are in Jacksonville and would like to walk with me feel free to join.  Here is a link to my fundraising page.  I have set a goal for myself to raise $150.00 before the walk.  I think it is an attainable goal :)
http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=297903

I have been missing my mom a lot lately.  I think the more time that passes, the sadder I become.  I'm still quite honestly in shock of the whole situation.  I still replay that day in my head every single day and I hope that one day I will come to a point where I no longer remember her in that way.  I have been trying my hardest to remember the good times, cherish the fun pictures, and remember her in a positive way and not so negatively.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't very angry with her at this point but one thing I have learned is that depression is a disease.  I'm trying my best to continue to remember that she was truly sick.  And that's all there is to it.

We are both still in school full-time (well I am taking this quarter off to have the baby) but plan to return in October.  In other news, we have been thinking very seriously about prepping the house and putting it for sale soon.  (Not too soon but soon enough)  We are both ready for a major change.  To be honest, I want to get out of Jacksonville.  Who knows where the future will take us.  One thing I know for sure, as long as Bryan, myself, and our girls are together, we will make it and love anywhere.  I would ultimately like to go closer to the PNW..I absolutely love it out there and did I mention I am dying to down-size!  Yes, I said it!  I want so badly to down-size!  And I don't want another pool either!!  Way too much maintenance!  While it's nice and beautiful, it takes nearly an hour of work a day to maintain!  Super annoying!

Well those are the happenings in our lives right now :)  Hope my blogger friends are doing well and I will be sure to keep y'all posted about Miss.Willow!  Any day now :)

35 Weeks!

How far along?  35 weeks.  I can't believe I am so close!
Maternity clothes?    Still dresses everyday.
Sleep?  Sleep is few and far between these days.  Between getting up to pee every 15 minutes and feeling like i'm on fire all the time, sleep is uncomfortable.

Best moment this week? Feeling my princess move and hearing her heartbeat.
Food cravings?  Oh man, for some reason I can't get enough garlic stuffed olives and pepperchinis (sp).  Everyday for lunch I have triscuits with cheese covered in peppers.  I'm also loving tuna salad (always loved it but I think I ate it too much with P that I got sick of it...I have since re-discovered it :)   It is soooo yummy!  


Gender?  Still a beautiful little princess :)

Fetal Movement?  All the time! She's going to be a little gymnast.  

What I am looking forward to?  Meeting my beautiful princess and seeing how her and her sister interact :)

What I miss?  Nothing much.

Words of wisdom?  Treasure every moment.
Side by side of both girls at 35 weeks.

35 weeks.