Highs and lows.

I have to say I have been feeling good lately.  I have good days and bad days but mostly good days.  Today was a good day but there were definitely some moments where I just felt defeated.  I have been trying for some time now to put the negative behind me.  But sometimes it's just plain hard to leave it in the rear view mirror.  I try but fail.  I cry and feel better.  Today was that day for me.  Not sure what it is but some days I wake up and know exactly what kind of day it's going to be and I knew as soon as my feet hit the floor this morning, it was going to be a more difficult day.  Days like today, to be perfectly honest, I looked up and said what the (insert language here) mom?!  My girls birthday party is fastly approaching and while i'm excited because we are celebrating Presley's 3rd birthday and Willow's first birthday, it feels bittersweet.  I'm so thankful that we do have some awesome friends who are going to help us celebrate but sometimes it's hard because there is no family there.  My dad isn't really there nor does he know their birthday and well my mom chose not to be here anymore.  I've never really had a close connection with any of my family, it's not that I ever thought I was better than any of them, but I just choose not to associate with them because they bring me down.

You know I wondered for years why my family (moms side) hated me so much..I mean for years, they always despised me..never really knew why.  It always weighed heavily on me and really bothered me.  I kept trucking along and thought maybe it was something I did or something I said.  Maybe my mom told them something about me..I never really knew exactly what it was.  Since she has died, I found out a lot.  She pretty much ran my name through the ground and when I say that, she slandered it.  It hasn't been until the past few months where I came to the realization that she was very jealous of me and how I've came further in 27 years than she had come her whole life.  A mother should always be proud of her daughter right?  She should want nothing but the best?  She should want to uplift me?  Want the best for me?  No, no she didn't.  She said a lot of very harsh things and now it has started to all come together as to why no one has really given me the time of day. She was a serious alcoholic and had a lot of demons.  I chose to better my own life..I always wanted to one day be a mother but from a very young age and I mean very young I realized the difference between wrong and right.  My parents would literally put me and my brother in the car (he was a baby) and drive around and get wasted and get up and go to church the next morning.  Funny because to this day i'm sure my dad still does that.  I've known for a very long time that I wanted more for myself, for my children, I wanted to make something of myself.  I never wanted to waste my time on the sidelines and let a life of alcohol and whatever else define who I was.  I was, and am better than that.  Call it selfish, call it what you want, so I did just that.  Bettered myself.  And that my friends is why my mom, her sister, her entire family, her brother, her husband bashed me, belittled, and berated me..for most of my life and probably until this very day.  Because I wasn't (never was and to this day) am not accepting of that lifestyle.  So yes, today I am a little angry.  Bryan and I talked a lot today and reassured me that I have to let that part of my past go.  He's always been my rock and reminded me that I can't let the anger define who I am because after all that's is what my mother did and she was always so angry with me because I wanted to rise above.  I think it's one of those things..your damned if you do..your damned if you don't.  No matter what, she would've found something wrong with my life.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Some days I wake up and feel like I can look up and say I forgive you but days like today, I don't think I can ever do that.  Maybe one day..maybe next month..or maybe 10 years from now but I hope and I really do hope that one day I can truly say I forgive you for all the wrong things you have done to me and the heartache that you have caused..today is not that day.

Naturally, my mom or any of her family or any family for that matter won't be at my girls' party.  Just another reminder of the hurt she has caused but I must move on.  It is important for my marriage, well-being, happiness, and for my girls.  My two precious blessings that have just been amazing.  My husband told me tonight that even if nobody came and it was just me, him, and the girls, that's all that matters.  I just need to take a step back and realize I have all that I need in life to lift me up.  I say if often but my husband is truly my rock (today was definitely an emotional one) and he always knows and I mean ALWAYS is there for me.  What in the world would I do without him?  I have no idea.

My feelings are real, my emotions are real, and my life is hard at times.  Nothing is perfect.  I think often times writing is a way for me to express myself and get it out there.  I don't want to be misunderstood, I love my mom deeply.  She is my mom, she raised me most of my life and all of my brothers life as a single mom.  She did the best she could.  She wasn't given the best of tools from her own parents and they let a lot of things that really eat her up slip under the rug.  She meant well.  She was beautiful.  She was my mother but she did hurt me deeply and even a year after her suicide, her actions still affect me deeply as time goes on and as more and more stuff comes out.  She was my mother but definitely not the kind of mother I will ever be.  She did the best she could with what we had.  I giver her credit for that.  I hope she is at peace now with her self.  But I wish she would've found peace in life rather than sacrificing her life, her relationship with her children, and her precious grandchildren and future grandchildren.  She is definitely going to be missing out.

I'm back!

I'm back!  Did you miss me?!  I decided to take a little break from blogging..one day I was looking through my blog and realized I was posting a lot of negative stuff, a lot of sad posts..ain't nobody got time for that, ha!  Well i'm coming up on the mom's one year angel-versary (that's what it's called when you lose a loved one to suicide) anyway..i'm feeling good.  I took a break for a while just to more or less get my self together and stop dwelling.  I have to say, I am feeling good!  Doing a lot better than I ever thought I would or could! I think I mostly contribute it to Bryan who is truly a God sent and my little beauties.  I don't know where I would be without my family.  I know people brag and boast all the time but I really do have a one in a million best friend soulmate who really is there for me through it all.  I was going to regular meetings but haven't gone recently.  I almost felt like every time I went, it would bring everything back fresh in my mind so I haven't gone in a while.  Maybe I will go back some day but I am content now so I haven't been going.

Anyway, so there..you know why I haven't blogged.  I don't want to be *that* person who is constantly negative and posting depressing posts.  I've had my days, weeks, months (actually one hell of a year) but I'm here..happy, healthy, and blessed!  Well Cody left for Army basic training almost 3 weeks ago now and man oh man do I miss him!!  I talked to him everyday and I can't help but to wonder how he is.  I didn't do Army basic training but I did do 2 months of hell in Air Force basic training which is no walk in the park.  There were many nights I cried in my pillow (missing my ass-hole of a boyfriend at the time) and wondered what was I doing.  I know Cody is strong but I can't help but to wonder how he is feeling.  He has called once and I was really hoping to hear from him tonight but he hasn't called..  Bryan keeps telling me Cody is a grown man but you know...I really did practically raise that kid and I feel much more like his mama than his big sister.  I can't wait until June to go watch him graduate basic training in Missouri!  Bryan, myself, and Willow are flying out there while Presley spends the week with memaw at the beach and man am  I looking forward to it!!  That was one of the proudest moments of my life and it will be so special to share in that moment with him as he graduates with that uniform on!  Oh me, can you tell i'm so excited, happy, and nervous for him?!  Love you Cody man!!

My girls are getting so big!  Smarter and more beautiful by the day (both of them)!  I can't help but to just feel so lucky and blessed everyday that they are a part of my life!  Presley is full of attitude and talks 90 miles a minute (the girl doesn't shut up) typical girl I guess!  Ha!  Willow has been babbling too..she is seriously such a happy baby!  I'm so glad too!  Because she was miserable the first few months of her life but she is soo happy now!  Always smiling and looking for me, I love it!  She's still breastfeeding a lot..sometimes I feel like too much but she just enjoys it and I don't mind either.  She would much rather have breastmilk than food at this point which is soo much different than her big porker sister.  Presley has ALWAYS been a porker and still LOVES to eat!  She ate an entire sandwich tonight before dinner (she fell asleep before lunch and I didn't wake her) and I thought surely she wouldn't want to eat again.  She ate a full plate of dinner right after the sandwich and was asking for some cantaloupe before bed tonight!  I'm not complaining..just glad she loves to eat!  Hopefully Willie (her nickname from Bryan's parents) follows in big sisters footsteps.

My life is pretty boring these days..Bry and I are both still in school full-time and busy as you know what!  He will be graduating the end of summer and me shortly after.  Wheww!!  I think he is going to start on his Masters right away..I think I will take a break!  I would really like some time to just focus on the girls and NOTHING ELSE!  So I think that's what I'll do.  That's about all going on around here..hope all my friends are doing awesome.  XO

OOOps.

In an effort to tweak my blog a bit I made it only readable to myself (oops) haha.  So please tell me, can you see my blog now?!?

anyone?

I made a few changes to my blog..can you see it?

one day at a time..

Can you still read my blog?!  I made some changes and I want to make sure you can still see it!  I've decided it's time for me to start blogging again..I was very much enjoying..then you know life, kids, school, the house, yard, everything else got in the way.  I have not really had much to say lately.  For whatever reason, I've been really down.  Like really down.  i don't know what has gotten in to me but I had a vivid dream, a very vivid dream of my mom and ever since, I have been thinking of her so much.  I just want to be able to call her and tell her something new Willow did or tell her that P has been asking about her lately but I can't.  When I get in these sort of "moods" I guess you could say, everything upsets me but i'm hoping i'm on the mend now.  I have to be!  I think me being sad and stressed has affected every aspect of my life. My marriage, kids, and oh yes my weight.  Haven't been able to loose a single pound despite working out, going to fitness bootcamp, going for walks everyday, eating pretty good..I mean what the hell is going on?!  To say I am frustrated is an understatement.  I know what is going on.  I have been so upset and stressed that my body is not letting me lose weight..sounds crazy..but that is what is going on.  Days like today, I was on the elyptical I wanted to look up and scream at my mom "why the hell did you do this to me, bring so much stress, anxiety, and hurt into my lfie?  Why, you did this to me!  Why, Why, Why?!?  Instead I worked out and cried but it felt better in the end.  I know blaming and yelling at her is not going to do anything but I am seriously at such a angry phase and it is not good AT ALL.  Wheww..working on it one day at a time..one day at a time.  

Next!

My girls are getting too big!!  I don't like it at all!!  P has been talking so much lately!  I mean it's crazy!  Potty training is going ok.  Haha!  She will poop in her panties (always right after she gets off the potty), then poop in her panties, take the poop, put it in the potty, and throw her panties away!  GROSS!  LOL!  We're working on it.  She's such a quick learner I know she will grasp it quickly.  Willow has rolled over several times and she is soooo active!!  Her legs, arms, feet, and hands are ALWAYS moving!  She babbles constantly!  Presley is so good with her too..she tells everyone that "wiwwow is my wittle sister"!  So presh!  Love my babies!  

That's all I feel writing tonight but I hope my friends in the blogger world are doing good :-)

Hello out there..

I have been a slacker about blogging lately..just busy and did I mention..busy.  Today well actually this whole week has been a downer week for me.  Today marks 8 months since my mom passed..  I hate every single 10th of every single month.  I dread it for weeks prior and the day of is always hard.  I always think to myself  "8 months ago, I found her" and I think about it all day..it consumes me.  Anyway, so yes rough week.  My birthday was last weekend and it was just sad not to hear from her or my dad (wasn't really expecting it but you know) it just hurts a little..  I just thought about last year how she bought me a Keurig for my birthday and how it was just so great to spend a birthday with her because I hadn't been able to in a long time because I was gone in the military.  I've been overly emotional lately.. I don't know quite what it is but life has been a little rough lately.  Cody and I were finally able to go together on Christmas Eve and spread my moms ashes where she requested.  It was peaceful and pretty that day.  They had been sitting in a box in my house for so long..I was finally able to let go and spread them.  I did save some.  There are a couple things I have in mind to do with them.  They say time heals everything....I surely hope so.  Thank goodness for Bryan and my girls.  I tell you what, Bryan has been my rock...when i'm having a hard day or I can't sleep, he is always there.  I love that man more than I could ever put into words..  My girls, they are just AMAZING.  Thank God for them!  My family is definitely my rock through the hard times.

24 Dec 12.  The beach was gorgeous.

Moms ashes.  It was truly a sad but happy moment because mom was finally where she wanted to be.

Enough about that, Christmas was good.  Cody was able to come spend some time with me and that was amazing.  Presley loves him so much!  He was so good with her!  They played, and played, and played.  It was nice to spend a holiday together and just hang out.  He is leaving soon for basic training and will be gone too :(  Makes me sad but he is moving toward a bright and promising future and I am so dang proud to be his big sister.  If there is one thing my mom always taught us, that was to always better ourselves so that we could always stand on our own two feet in the even something happened.  She always taught us to never depend on anyone.  So I am so proud of him for taking such a huge step to better himself and to become an independent man.  This proud big sister can't wait to see him graduate and be in his uniform..  Lots of changes, but positive changes in the right direction.

School starts back full-time for Bryan and I on Monday.  Whew, i'm a bit nervous but actually excited because the light is at the end of the tunnel..and besides I get paid to go..so it's a win win ;)  School has always been something that I did at night for a few hours after I put Presley to bed and now that both girls are on a pretty good routine and both go to bed pretty early I can start that back up.  I know, I may be a nerd but I'm looking forward to it.  Less time to think and more time to work toward that diploma baby!  So we are both actually kind of looking forward to it.

Ok well I must get to bed now..Bry's parents will be here bright and early.  They are visiting from Seattle and taking Presley for the weekend (i'm so excited)!  You know whats funny?  I keep thinking "wow, i'm only going to have one child this weekend"!!  It's going to be a breeze!  LOL!  I am looking forward to some much needed one on one time with my sweet Willow.  I don't get the alone time with her like I did with Presley and I am looking forward to doing some things, just Bryan, Willow, and myself :)   Hope y'all have a great weekend!

Soapbox.

Just have a few things on my mind tonight.  I lost a fellow follower for reason or the other but I have a big feeling why.  It is because I have been honest in my blog about my life, beliefs, among other aspects of my life.  If you can't handle how *I* feel or what *I* believe, then please don't follow me.  In this day and age, I happen to think it is pathetic that people get their panties in such a wad over the simplest things.  I can tell you this..after going through hell and back this year...I really don't let a lot of little things bother me anymore.  I guess more than anything, I can't stand people who are so hypocritical of others..people who push their beliefs on other people and if you don't agree with them, then you are wrong.  Sorry, it doesn't work like that..  I have learned in my short life that politics and religion are just two of those things that you just don't discuss with people especially those crazies who are so close minded, they can't hear any other perspective. I am a very open minded person.  Whatever floats your boat is my motto.  I don't care if you go to church every single Sunday or if you don't even believe in God at all.  But hey I am open minded and not everyone is like me.  I'm off my soapbox and i'm not going to let ugly people get me down.