1/2 step forward and 5 back.

I feel like I take 1/2 step forward and 5 back lately..  Lately, I am trying to hold my head up for my sweet girl's arrival but it's hard.  I have so much on my mind tonight..I found out some things that really hard for me to wrap my brain around.  True friends have been few and far between lately.  I am trying to focus on my little family, my girls, and Bryan.  I think honestly the only thing getting me through this point is little Willow's arrival.  I am just beyond excited to meet her but at the same time so sad that my mom won't be there to meet her.  I have realized more than ever lately that those two girls and Bryan are my world and without them, I really don't know what I would do.  This may sound ridiculous but only one person has gotten Willow anything...yes, I know she is the second girl but I find it quite sad.  I feel like for all of my life, I have gone above and beyond for many people in my life, both friends and family.  For now, I am going to focus all of my time and attention on MY family.  I've got to let go of everything else..I've got to let go of the hurt, anger, and sadness.  So far, it is getting me nowhere and I know it will continue to lead me nowhere.  Bryan keeps telling me that I just have to start moving forward but it seems so much easier said than done.  As Willow's birth approaches, I get so nervous but so excited at the same time.  I know that little Willow was put into our lives' for a reason.  The past few months have been the darkest months I have ever experienced with my mom's death but knowing that little Willow is growing inside of me and knowing that Presley is depending on me, I know I can't give up.  I have to stay strong because I always want my girls to know that I am there no matter what.  I HAVE to be the best mother I can despite the curve-balls.  On a positive note, I have raised $160 toward my walk and I just increased my goal to $200.  The walk falls on Nov 10 this year which will ironically be 6 months after her death.  I feel the need to do this for her and for those people who silently suffer.  I feel like it is vital to raise awareness for suicide prevention.  People may never think it could affect them but the truth of the matter is, it affects more people than you realize.  Enough blogging for tonight.  Keep your fingers crossed that sweet Willow comes this weekend.