Nearly a month.

I am just at a point where I am so disappointed in people, angry, and just plain upset.  My mom has been gone nearly a month.  Yes she killed herself, Yes I found her dead, Yes that is my last memory of my mom.  Lifeless, Breathless, and here today I feel Hopeless. She wan't called by the Lord, she did it to herself.  How does one move on and not feel abandoned?  How does one move on and just think about the happy times?  Right now, I can't think of any happy times.  The only memory at this point is having a nightmare my mom committed suicide, going to her house, and finding her dead, dropping to the floor, and realizing my nightmare was exactly that-my worst nightmare.  No, i'm not positive at this point.  Someone recently described the memory of finding my mom dead to that of a memory giving birth to Presley.  "Oh it will pass in no time, I bet you can hardly remember giving birth to Presley, it was so long ago".  That is not even close.  Not even close at all.  People I thought would be there haven't.  People I never expected to be there for me have become closer.  Bryan found this little book for me.  It explains **Exactly** what I am going through.  I just feel as though the pain of death by suicide is largely underestimated.  Yes, I think it would tremendously easier had my mom had cancer or an illness (other than depression).  Had I known she was going to die, I think the circumstances surrounding her death would be so much easier to cope with.  All I have left now are notes that she left me when she died, good memories that are fading, bad memories that are taking front seat, and a couple pictures.  That's it.  Nothing else.  She will never be there to meet Willow.  She will never be there to watch Presley grow up.  She will never be there to see my little brother graduate college.  She will never be there for anything ever again.  Ever.  We will never go get another pedicure.  We will never sit on the beach together again.  No, I don't have to worry about what she's doing anymore.  I don't have to worry if she going to be driving drunk or getting a Dui, or getting a call that she's in jail.  That doesn't take the pain away.  I know in the months before my mom's death, she was not in the right state of mind.  She was not herself.  During my childnood years, she was a great mother.  Everything she did was for me and Cody.  I hurt so much for Cody and I hurt because he is only 18 years old.  I don't think the pain will ever go away and at this point, I just hope that I am able to more easily cope and not let it be so consuming.  At this point, this is my go-to.
  http://www.suicidology.org/c/document_library/get_file?folderId=229&name=DLFE-73.pdf