That's how I feel today.

So I have had a few days that have been absolutely horrible to the point where I haven't stopped crying but today is better.  I guess you could just say I have bad days and better days.  I have forced myself to get out of the house the past two days.  It is essential that I get some sunshine in my life and take Presley out when I feel up to it.  I tell you I have felt like the absolute worst mother lately but I just can't help it.  Luckily, Pres is still young and will hopefully never remember such a difficult time in our lives.  I just have to give myself time to heal which is going to be a very long process.  A very long process. I don't know that I will ever really "heal" from all the hurt but I hope with time, I will feel better.  Emotionally, I am drained.  People tell me all the time "you are so blessed, look at those two beautiful girls", or "your mom is in a better place, be happy for her".  I am so sick and tired of it.  What do I really want to say ?  Shut the hell up, you have no clue what you're even talking about.  How about you go and find your mom dead by the use of her own two hands and tell me if you feel blessed.  It actually makes me angry beyond belief.  Yes, I know I am blessed with two beautiful children but that doesn't take away the fact that my mom is gone and at 26 years old, I will never ever see her again.  I read in one of my suicide books that suicide is the "ultimate fuck you" and let me tell you that is exactly what it feels like.  I have felt so alone, abandoned, and hurt.  I know my mom never intended to hurt me or Cody but she didn't care if she did either.  I know healthy people don't kill themselves but she also wasn't taking measures to become "healthy" either.  My emotions bounce around constantly from being angry with her, angry with the way she left things, angry that she pretty much screwed my brother and I over, sad about her loss, guilty that there wasn't more that I could do, lonely without her, and just plain depressed about her exit out of this world.  I have started therapy as well as a support group.  It's nice to know that there are other people out there like me who hurt in the way that I do and understand what I am going through.  I know no one really truly understands how I feel but I have always felt better after writing my emotions down.  That's how I feel today.