Emotions.

Tonight I have had a lot of emotions running through me.  I think today was rough.  I picked up the final hard copy official death certificate.  Yes, I know she is gone but now it is finalized.  Everything is said and done.  I don't know why but it was just so sad.  I guess I just always envisioned my mama dying of old age.  Never in a million years did I think I would lose her so soon.  I have been doing so much thinking lately and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I did everything in my power to keep my mom alive.  I feel like I have been one of the only if not the only person who was always there for her anytime.  Her last few months, I spent many of sleepless nights awake just so I could call first thing in the morning to make sure she was ok.  I answered the phone all hours of the day or night just to talk when she was depressed, I would drop my plans at the drop of a dime if she needed something, I neglected my own family for the sake of her feelings.  I did everything..and I know in my heart I did do everything.  Four months ago, she attempted suicide.  I knew something was wrong that day too.  She did something stupid that ultimately saved her life (that day).  She was rushed to the emergency room and sent to a institution  a while later.  I truly felt like and still do feel like that is when I really started to lose my mom..emotionally and physically.  Sometimes I think the institution did more harm than good.  There are no words to describe a place like that.  Sad, lonely, and such a heart-breaking place.  There are multiple security gates, locked doors that have to be buzzed open, hardly any windows, nothing is allowed to be brought in, clothes and everything are issued ( much like that of someone being in jail), everything is super quiet, sterile, and just very depressing.  I spent a lot of time there with my mom while she cried, and I just listened.  I really do think that is when I lost my mom.  In every way.  She wanted to die and was more upset at her failed attempt than how bad I was hurting.  There really isn't a point to anything I am writing.  I am just writing because tonight is hard and this is what is hurting.  Four months later, she was successful.  There is nothing I or anyone else could have done or said to prevent her final suicide attempt from being thought out and completed.  The pain was so deep, she couldn't cope, and wanted to die.  My life has been shattered into a million pieces and I am forever scarred from what I have seen.  All I can hope for is that my mama is truly at peace and is no longer hurting.  That's what I pray for.  Peace and comfort for her as well as for myself and Cody.