Emotions.

Today is Wednesday May 30th.  Today's been a hard one.  Found out some very troubling news yesterday that has just left my stomach in knots.  I think it was last and final stab in the back.  More than anything in this world, I just wish my mom would've thought about her actions before doing what she did and I wish she would've thought about those around her who she knew she would hurt.  I know she was not in a good state of mind or in the right state of mind at the time of her death but I can't help but to just be angry.  I did find a local support group of people here who have dealt with the issues of suicide that I am dealing with.  Next week can't get here fast enough.  It is so hard to talk to anyone about my *exact* emotions because they are all over the place.  I truly don't feel like anyone understands.  I know I have a lot of support but I really want to be able to talk about it with someone or people who have physically dealt with suicide.  More than anything, I just want to feel happy again.  I want to look forward to waking up everyday to my beautiful family.  I want to be able to go to bed at night, sleep peacefully, and not have terrible nightmares.  Right now, I feel like my fuse is so short and I feel like a ticking time-bomb a lot.  I don't want to be that person.  I want to be the best mother I am capable of being for not only Presley but Willow's sake as well.  I want to be a good wife and most of all just feel happy  again.  I don't want to be flooded with anger, sadness, anxiety, or other bad emotions.  I have just been questioning so many things lately.  I have even questioned God.  I know that's horrible and I feel so ashamed to say it but it's just how I feel.  I hope that sooner than later, I am able to just be at peace.  That's all I really want.