Tears of sadness.

I'm sorry, this is a depressing post.  I just can't help it today.  I have been crying off and on all day and I feel like the sadness has overtaken me.  Today, I picked up my mom's ashes from the crematory.  The box is sitting on the kitchen counter and I plan to take them to the beach on Sunday and put them right where she requested.   I know she is in a better place now where she is not suffering and I hope that she is finally at peace.  I just have so many unanswered questions that I will never be able to get answers to and that frustrates me the most.  I feel like my mom's death was a very very tragic death.  It was a very sad death under very sad circumstances.  I witnessed things that I will never forget and that I wish I could forget.  The death of my mom has ripped my family apart.  My papa and uncle didn't even show up and nor have they even picked up the phone to call.  It's beyond pathetic.  My mom left this earth because I believe her family would never forgive her or accept her for the person she was and she left this earth and her family still couldn't be here for her.  I am mad, angry, and have nothing to say to anyone.  I think it's down right pathetic, selfish, and just plain hurtful.
**  I am continuing this post from yesterday.
5/19/2012
This morning I went over to my mom's apartment to get a few things and it was super sad.  I have to go over there again tomorrow morning to start the paperwork process.  Talk about grueling.  Papa called today and was a complete asshole to Bryan.  I'm not surprised.  It's amazing what something like this does to a "family".  Family..I don't even think that is what I am going to call them anymore.  Not after all is said and done.  It's funny, you can take days off work for Bereavement Leave and have all this food catered to your house because of your loss but you can't even drive 5 hours to be here for your sisters memorial service, much less pick up the phone to call your niece and nephew and express your condolences.  Makes perfect sense..oh well, I guess that's "family" for you.  I will be so glad to get this behind me and weed a lot of useless people from my life who are undeserving of knowing me or my beautiful family.  I know my mom would never want for me to be angry or express my anger towards anyone...that's just the kind of person she was.  She was all about not stepping on any-ones toes and keeping the peace.  I am done doing that.  This whole process has been nothing short of a nightmare.  My mom left so many un-answered questions for me that I will never ever get the answer to.  I knew she was hurting, I knew she was suicidal, I knew she was mentally and physically drained from all the pain but I tried doing EVERYTHING I could for her.  I have been there these past few months when no one else was and I know I have said my share of hurtful things and even blogged about her deteriorating journey but when you love someone, you do anything and everything to save them.  I said mean things in hopes that she would wake up and realize just how beautiful her life was despite the negative moments.  I just wanted her to be happy that she was alive and healthy and be happy that even though she was going through a divorce, I was there for her.  I love my mama with all my heart and soul.  Her notes were released to me a couple of days ago.  I have read them, re-read them, and read them again.  I just don't understand.  She mentioned so many things that bring tears to my eyes if I even think about it.  I know one thing for sure, she loved me and Cody more than anything.  I know she did love us but were we not enough to make her want to live?  I will just never know and that is what hurts the most.  All I know is that my heart is in a million pieces and my mom is forever gone.  All I can do is pray.  In one of her notes she mentioned that she would do anything in this world to go back to planting flowers in her yard at 106 Trestle Court.  She said "call me lame, but that's what I loved to do".  Here is a picture of me and my mom the day before I left for basic training in her yard that she just loved to work in.  She spent hours planting flowers, making sure the grass cutting lines were perfect, and making sure the curb appeal was immaculate.  She took so much pride in the yard.