Anger.

I feel like anger has overtaken me the last few days and i'm trying so hard to not be angry but that's just how I feel.  This whole ordeal has taken it's toll.  Mother's Day was extremely hard.  We went to the beach at Sunset, I talked to my mom and left a beautiful card for her.  I don't know where I would be lately without my rock, Bryan.  He has been there every moment of the day but had to go back to work last night and I haven't been able to sleep.  My mom requested in her letter that she be cremated and her ashes spread along the beach but because FL laws are so crazy, we won't have her ashes until at earliest next week.  I am going ahead and still planning for the memorial to be Thursday as I have been planning.  We just won't spread the ashes at that time. My brother and I are going to go alone next week and just do that separately.  I think the most hurtful thing bothering me this moment is the fact that some close family hasn't even bothered calling me or making contact with my brother at all, which is absolutely pathetic.  I also received word that they won't be coming to the memorial service either.  I just can't believe my mom's own brother isn't planning on coming.  It makes me sick, angry, and it just plain hurts.  Not one of them has bothered to call.  You know it's time like this, you realize who really matters and who could drop off the side of the Earth.  I just don't understand because Bryan's family would move Heaven and the mountains for me, they would do anything to help me at the drop of a dime.  I can't even get my lazy fat ass uncle to make the 5 hour drive to be here for his sister or at the very least be here for his nephew, my little brother Cody.   I just hurt and I hurt more for my little brother.  My family was never close to begin with and it's never been a close relationship but I am just so sad that everyone just can't come together for a few minutes and remember and cherish the good aspects of my mom's life.  My mom was a very loved person by many.  She would've given you her last dollar and the shirt off her back if you needed it.  She was just so giving and loved by so many.  She was kind-hearted, so upbeat, and always wanted to best for you.  She was a single mom to me and Cody for a long time (since I was 12 and my brother was still in pre-k).  She raised us on her own and did the best with what she had.  She provided us with a great life and always loved us and would do anything in the world to make sure we were happy.  I remember when I turned 16, my mom bought me a honda accord and she sold her car to buy me a car.  She drove her mail car (she was a mail woman for the past 18 years) which was a right hand drive station wagon everywhere just so I could have a nice car.  She made so many sacrifices for my brother and sacrifices that I will never forget.  She played the role of mother and father.  My dad is still around but a piece of shit for what it's worth.  She always taught me to be very independent and to NEVER depend on a man.  If there is one thing my mom always en-grained in my head was just that.   She always wanted me to get my education and be able to stand on my own 2 feet if I ever needed to.  She was married to my dad for I think around 15 years before he up and decided out of the blue that a family was not what he wanted anymore and basically left my mom, brother and I with very little.  She rose above and made sure we were taken care of.  I can remember her taking on several jobs at any given time to make sure Cody and I had everything we wanted and needed.  I love my mom so much and am so thankful that i did have her for 26 years.  I feel like now that she is gone, my heart is in a million pieces and I hurt so bad.  I wish there were something I could have done to save her but I know I have done everything I could do in the last few months.  I have been there when no one else was.  I have put my own family life aside to be there for my mom and to make sure she was taken care of.  I hurt so much because I feel like maybe I could've done something more, I should've went to her house when I hadn't talked to her in a full day.  I should've made her come and stay with me because I knew she was very depressed but instead I let her be alone at her apartment.  So many what if's.  I believe my mom just handle the stressors anymore.  She couldn't cope.  It makes me hurt so bad because I feel like there is so much to live for.  1 grandchild, 1 on the way, and a son who graduates high school in a week.  I guess I will never know why.  Why she chose to end her life so early at only 48 years old.  I will just never know.  I hope now that she in a place where she is happy.  I hope that she never has to suffer again.  As for Cody, I love him so much.  I know that together we will make it and come out stronger because of it.  I hope that he knows that my mom will never be with us physically, she is always in our heart.  I just love my mom so much and would do anything in the world to bring her back, and just have more time with her.  I keep wanting to wake up and this be a horrible nightmare but it's not.  The morning I found my mom dead, I had the exact nightmare the night before of how she died.  That nightmare and a text from my step-dad was what prompted me to go over and check on her.  I just want to wake up and this all be a nightmare but it's reality and a sad one.  All I can do is pray, pray for peace and comfort.  As of now, I hurt, I have so much pain, i'm anxious, and i'm very sad about everything.  And i'm angry.  I  have been questioning a lot of things.  Why my mom?  Why?  I just don't understand.

In the days before mom's death, I told her the name we had chose for our newest little girl.  I told her we loved the name Willow Lynn and she loved it.  She was asking me about Willow in the days before her death.  I know one thing is for sure, I am so glad I got to share that with her because I know she loved it.