Sunday not so Funday.

((this is a negative post))

Today has been a hard day to say the least.  Feeling overwhelmed with sadness and I just want it to go away.  Writing makes me feel better so that is what i'll do.  Today marks two weeks since I have last seen my mom.  This morning I had to go over to her house to get a few things.  I found her and my dad's wedding book.  She wrote some amazing things in there.  My mom wrote in there that the day she married my dad "was THE happiest day of my life".  I remember a time when they were so in love and I don't think she ever really got over him.  I honestly feel like the day my dad walked out (when I was 13) was a day that would change my mom's life forever.  I know she held on to that stuff because she deeply loved my dad.  She was never able to fully recover and it affected her in unimaginable ways.   Ok this was yesterdays blog.  Some days I feel like the only way I can get through the day is by writing.  This morning I have so many feelings and emotions as well.  Last night, I had several nightmares that my mother was incarcerated.  In the months that she was spiraling out of control, I feared that I would either find her dead or that she would be driving drunk and kill a family.  I continued to tell her over and over that if she didn't stop she was going to wind up spending the rest of her life in prison.  I can't help but to wonder why I had those nightmares last night.  I also had the same nightmare that I would find her dead and when I woke up, went to her house, I found her dead the exact way I dreamed.  Maybe it is the Lord's way of warning me.  I haven't a clue.

I feel sad today already and it's only 9a.m.  Just so many things going on in my head.  I feel angry that my mom decided to commit suicide knowing that she was going through a divorce and knowing that I would be the one to have to deal with everything.  It makes me angry.  I feel sad and angry and don't know why she would put me in a situation like this one knowing that our family sucks and knowing that I am pregnant.  I think that is what hurts worse than anything.  After all is said and done, I am writing my worthless piece of shit family off.  Something I have wanted to do for a very long time and now that there is no binding between me and them, I am so done.  On another note, someone from my dads family(another pretty much worthless group of people) send me a fb message basically in regards to something I wrote the other day.  She said " a lot of people in the family haven't responded to you because all we were told is that your mom passed away and nothing else".  Um, excuse me I didn't know you had to have a reason to send your condolences.  Another reminder of how ignorant a lot of people can be in such times of sorrow.  Anyways, I am being super negative but I can't help it. Nothing positive has came out of this situation.  Bryan continues to tell me to rise above those people and remember the source but its a lot easier said than done.  I wish I could be more like Bryan in the fact that he just lets things roll off his shoulders and doesn't give people a second thought.  I am strong but not that strong.  Enough of that.  Mama was a beautiful person inside and out.  I know she would want me to be at peace because she wanted to be at peace.  I don't know that I will ever feel at peace but I hope some day I am able to feel peace.  For now, I have to get ready to go to Georgia for my little brother Cody's high school graduation.  I have to go alone and i'm not looking forward to that.  I HATE being alone and by alone I mean being without Bryan.  He is always there to lift me up and comfort me and I will be without him for a few days but I am happy to go and celebrate Cody graduating high school.  My mom want be there now so things are going to be bittersweet.  Anyways, enough for now.  I have written so much in the past few days but haven't posted any of it.  I feel embarrassed, a little ashamed at some of the feelings I have, and angry and I don't want to be a negative nancy and bring others down.  At the same time, I feel like I have to write my feelings down because I can't do this alone.