Positive Support.

Well after getting some negative feedback from my therapist among many other people, I decided to take it upon myself to find a group of people that were more like myself.  Last night, I had my first meeting.  It was nothing short of AMAZING.  Yes, I was the new girl.  Yes, I cried a lot.  Yes, I spilled my guts and it felt damn good.  It felt so good to be surrounded by a group of people who actually understood.  Everyone in that room was a survivor of suicide.  It felt good for people to understand.  In the beginning, I felt so ashamed of how my mom died.  All I could think was how people would think I was crazy because of how my mother did.  You know, unless you are a victim of suicide, most people do associate suicide with crazy people.  That's not it at all.  People who commit suicide are mentally ill.  They are not in the right state of mind.  They are just simply not capable of thinking rationally.  It was just good to be surrounded by people who get it.  Who don't think i'm crazy and who understand just how deep my hurt is.  I see this group as somewhere I will go for many months, maybe even years to come.  I have also found a couple of virtual groups that I love.  It is so nice sometimes when i'm having a hard day which is pretty much everyday of my life lately to just be able to read something uplifting that a survivor of suicide has wrote.  It gives me hope that one day I will be able to feel so happy on the inside and out again.  That I will be able to remember my moms life as a positive memory rather than a negative one.  That I will one day be able to forgive her for leaving my brother and I so soon.    For now, I have to wait until two weeks from now to go to my next meeting.  It seems like forever but I just take life day by day, one step at a time.  That's all I can do for now.