No sense.

I believe yesterday was the worst day I have had so far.  My anxiety is getting the best of me and really starting to effect me in a negative way.  Our power was out for two days and two nights.  I just could not handle another night of being alone in the dark.  Nights are already bad but thankfully Bry took another night off to be with me last night.  I tell you he is truly an amazing man and I don't know what I would do without him.  My love for him grows stronger everyday and now more than ever he has stood by my side and supported me in every way.  I have always and still do feel like Bryan was my saving grace.  Had I not met him, I don't know where I would be today.  That is what I worry most for for Cody.  He is only 18 years old and I hurt so much for him.  I hurt because he does not have much support or guidance or even a strong male role-model (aside from Bryan and Boochie in his life).  I just hope that he is able to come out of this a stronger person.  You know I always had a lot of anxiety over my mom in the past few months before her death.  Mainly because, I was constantly worried about her, if she was driving drunk, if she was doped up on pills, if she was going to show up at my house in a not so good state of mind, and I was always so nervous just when she called.  I knew in my heart her days were numbered.  She just wasn't able to cope with things in a healthy manner.  She was seeking treatment but it wasn't enough.  In the months before her death, I was much more of a mother to her than she was to me and it makes me sad to say that but it is true.  She was just having a very hard time.  I often cried in the last few months because I just wanted her to be better, to get help, to go back to the person she used to be, to be a wonderful grandmother to Presley, and to just get better.  After her last suicide attempt 3 months ago, I stayed by her side and very much neglected my own family to try and save her.  I begged her to never do it again.  She promised me she wouldn't.  She promised me she would get help.  She promised me that she would not put me through that pain again.  She promised she would never hurt me again.  Another broken promise.  I can't begin to explain the hurt in my heart.  I have been agonizing over who my mom intended  to find her.  If she thought it would be me, then why would she do it?  Why would she ever want to put me through that?  Why would she want that to be my last memory of her?  I just have so many unanswered questions and so much hurt.  She left me with a pile of shit basically.  A ton of issues left for me to resolve.  I feel as if what she did was so selfish and I say selfish because she didn't even leave a will.  I know she has been planning to die.  Why wouldn't she make sure her ducks were in a row first?  Makes no sense.  No sense at all.