I'm just not.

I'm just not strong enough.  I'm really not.  Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I am dreading it beyond belief.  Last Sunday, my mom and I floated around the pool and ate popsicles and this Sunday I will be waiting by the phone to get the results of my mom's autopsy so I can go ahead with funeral arrangements.  These past few days have been the worst days of my life.  I'm angry, sad, hurt, mad, and anxious all at the same time.  After finding my mom dead, I feel like i'm on a downhill spiral just spiraling out of control.  I can't get the picture out of my head, I can't stop having nightmares about it.  I just want it to be gone.  I want to wake up and this all be a horrible nightmare.  I just wish things were different.  I don't know how to cope.  I don't understand why my family?  Why my mother?  Why?  I am trying to be strong for my little brother Cody but it is so hard.  He is graduating high school and this is supposed to be such a joyful time for him but it's not.  Dad is overseas and hasn't been home for nearly a year and now mom want be there to watch him walk across stage, or ever see him graduate college, or watch him get married..  She will never ever be there for any milestones in his life.  It is time for me to step up to the plate and be his rock and I just don't feel strong enough.  It hurts so much to know that mom won't be there to meet Willow or be there to watch Presley grow up.  I keep telling myself that she is in a better place where she isn't suffering but that doesn't make it any easier.  Bryan, Presley, and I are heading to my mom's favorite beach in the morning to watch the sunrise for Mother's Day.