I have to say I have been feeling good lately. I have good days and bad days but mostly good days. Today was a good day but there were definitely some moments where I just felt defeated. I have been trying for some time now to put the negative behind me. But sometimes it's just plain hard to leave it in the rear view mirror. I try but fail. I cry and feel better. Today was that day for me. Not sure what it is but some days I wake up and know exactly what kind of day it's going to be and I knew as soon as my feet hit the floor this morning, it was going to be a more difficult day. Days like today, to be perfectly honest, I looked up and said what the (insert language here) mom?! My girls birthday party is fastly approaching and while i'm excited because we are celebrating Presley's 3rd birthday and Willow's first birthday, it feels bittersweet. I'm so thankful that we do have some awesome friends who are going to help us celebrate but sometimes it's hard because there is no family there. My dad isn't really there nor does he know their birthday and well my mom chose not to be here anymore. I've never really had a close connection with any of my family, it's not that I ever thought I was better than any of them, but I just choose not to associate with them because they bring me down.
You know I wondered for years why my family (moms side) hated me so much..I mean for years, they always despised me..never really knew why. It always weighed heavily on me and really bothered me. I kept trucking along and thought maybe it was something I did or something I said. Maybe my mom told them something about me..I never really knew exactly what it was. Since she has died, I found out a lot. She pretty much ran my name through the ground and when I say that, she slandered it. It hasn't been until the past few months where I came to the realization that she was very jealous of me and how I've came further in 27 years than she had come her whole life. A mother should always be proud of her daughter right? She should want nothing but the best? She should want to uplift me? Want the best for me? No, no she didn't. She said a lot of very harsh things and now it has started to all come together as to why no one has really given me the time of day. She was a serious alcoholic and had a lot of demons. I chose to better my own life..I always wanted to one day be a mother but from a very young age and I mean very young I realized the difference between wrong and right. My parents would literally put me and my brother in the car (he was a baby) and drive around and get wasted and get up and go to church the next morning. Funny because to this day i'm sure my dad still does that. I've known for a very long time that I wanted more for myself, for my children, I wanted to make something of myself. I never wanted to waste my time on the sidelines and let a life of alcohol and whatever else define who I was. I was, and am better than that. Call it selfish, call it what you want, so I did just that. Bettered myself. And that my friends is why my mom, her sister, her entire family, her brother, her husband bashed me, belittled, and berated me..for most of my life and probably until this very day. Because I wasn't (never was and to this day) am not accepting of that lifestyle. So yes, today I am a little angry. Bryan and I talked a lot today and reassured me that I have to let that part of my past go. He's always been my rock and reminded me that I can't let the anger define who I am because after all that's is what my mother did and she was always so angry with me because I wanted to rise above. I think it's one of those things..your damned if you do..your damned if you don't. No matter what, she would've found something wrong with my life. Tomorrow is a new day. Some days I wake up and feel like I can look up and say I forgive you but days like today, I don't think I can ever do that. Maybe one day..maybe next month..or maybe 10 years from now but I hope and I really do hope that one day I can truly say I forgive you for all the wrong things you have done to me and the heartache that you have caused..today is not that day.
Naturally, my mom or any of her family or any family for that matter won't be at my girls' party. Just another reminder of the hurt she has caused but I must move on. It is important for my marriage, well-being, happiness, and for my girls. My two precious blessings that have just been amazing. My husband told me tonight that even if nobody came and it was just me, him, and the girls, that's all that matters. I just need to take a step back and realize I have all that I need in life to lift me up. I say if often but my husband is truly my rock (today was definitely an emotional one) and he always knows and I mean ALWAYS is there for me. What in the world would I do without him? I have no idea.
My feelings are real, my emotions are real, and my life is hard at times. Nothing is perfect. I think often times writing is a way for me to express myself and get it out there. I don't want to be misunderstood, I love my mom deeply. She is my mom, she raised me most of my life and all of my brothers life as a single mom. She did the best she could. She wasn't given the best of tools from her own parents and they let a lot of things that really eat her up slip under the rug. She meant well. She was beautiful. She was my mother but she did hurt me deeply and even a year after her suicide, her actions still affect me deeply as time goes on and as more and more stuff comes out. She was my mother but definitely not the kind of mother I will ever be. She did the best she could with what we had. I giver her credit for that. I hope she is at peace now with her self. But I wish she would've found peace in life rather than sacrificing her life, her relationship with her children, and her precious grandchildren and future grandchildren. She is definitely going to be missing out.
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