Down.

Today, I miss my mom terribly.  I think as time goes on, I become more upset, angry, and confused.  I just miss her.  Days like today I don't know how I will ever move forward and learn to just live with it.  I know I don't have any other choices but it just seems unbearable.  I have virtually no relationship with any of my family and now that my mom is gone, it has just literally ripped everyone apart.  I have thought about things, analyzed everything a million times, gone over everything in my head thousands of times, but I know I will just never understand.  I feel so compelled on days like today to pull the suicide notes out of my closet but can't and won't bring myself to do it.  I feel like it will bring me some sort of closure in a weird warped way but it doesn't...it only confuses and hurts me more.  The only thing I have to hold on to are memories and pictures of my mom.  I have none of her possessions hardly but I do have a bible that I know she was reading the night of her death.  I can't even bring myself to open the bible and read the verses that she highlighted.  I know that peace is not going to come over-night but I hope that one day I can truly be at peace with the way things have fallen into place.  Other give me hope that I will but at this point, I don't think that I ever will be at complete peace.  For now, I cherish the good memories that we had during my 26 years of having her.